I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
