Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
