so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
