She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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