there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
