was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
