Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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