I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
