so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
