Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
