i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
