4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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