So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
