just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I need a beard to bite.
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