My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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