I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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