I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
