Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
