he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
