So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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