fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
