Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
