Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
