Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
