Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
