Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
