I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
