Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
