I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
