I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The Olympian is in my bed
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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