Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
