I wish my penis had an off switch
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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