In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
