i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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