At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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