dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
