Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
