Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
