you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
