She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
