I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
