I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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