She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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