My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
