I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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