Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
