call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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