your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
