Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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