Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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