he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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