I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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