Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
