The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
