You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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