Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
