Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
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After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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