I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
